Chronic pain is such a huge issue and so many people live in chronic pain for part or most of their lives. I shared my story of living with chronic pain and many of you shared your stories as well. It has been such a blessing to have our Facebook page and hear all of your stories. It really helps me not feel so alone in my own situation. I’ve also given you my 25 keys to calm your chaos which you can print out simply by signing up for our newsletter. (this printable has been a huge hit!) Hopefully it is helping all of you guys with a little of the day to day chaos.
I wanted to take a moment to say how much I love all the support that our community gives each other and the support you have given me. Sharing your stories online is not always easy because you open yourself up for commentary. But that comes with the gig!
Now with that being said please DO NOT think that this post is directed to any of our fans that left sweet suggestions and offered up advice for what has worked with them on their journeys. We love all of your suggestions and again your support means the world to this community. This list is a round-up of things that most of us in chronic pain really just rather not hear from loved ones including co-workers, friends, and family members. This list is intended for those that support us and that may have the best intentions but since they have never been in chronic pain they probably wouldn’t know that these comments simply aren’t helpful in fact sometimes they make us feel worse. I also want this list to be for those of us in chronic pain because sometimes it really helps to know that others feel the same way that you do.
20 Things You Shouldn’t Say To Someone in Chronic Pain
20 Things to Never Say to a Person In Chronic Pain
1) You’re Just being Lazy
2) Have you tried this (insert any type of medication)
3) Have your tried this (insert any organic method)
4) You need to change your diet and try this one.
5) My (friend, relative) etc has the same thing and you know what worked for them?
6) It’s all in your head.
7) Did you pray about it? Maybe you should talk to your pastor.
8) Maybe you should get up and go exercise .
9) If you focused on something else you would feel better.
10) Suck it up, everyone has pain.
11) You sure do complain a lot.
12) You are always in pain!!!
13) Have you seen a doctor?
14) Have you taken anything?
15) You must love the attention you get from being sick all the time.
16) You can’t be feeling bad again!!!
17) You ruin every special occasion because your sick.
18) You couldn’t possibly be in “that” much pain.
19) Why can’t “they” just fix you?
20) You don’t “look” handicapped/in pain!
So why are most of these just not ok to say to people in chronic pain? You can pick out the ones that are accusatory and deduct that obviously any one who is in constant pain doesn’t exactly want to be accused of making it up, faking it or doing it for attention.
Next, Many of these comments suggest that pain can not be THAT bad or THAT frequent and it can… it really can and it’s so unfortunate for both our loved ones and for us. Trust us we know you suffer because of us.
Lastly, the sweet “you should try this” suggestions … we know you love us and just want to help but unless it is a brand new never before heard of method .. we probably have already explored those options.
I know as a chronic pain sufferer that most things are said with love but in many ways I think most of the time all we want is a hug, patience and understanding.
What are your thoughts?
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I will say that I don’t know what you’re going through. But may I say that I am very sorry and that I pray that one day you find a solution?
I think that is a very good and thoughtful response Marisa! Thanks for sharing
I felt like you were talking directly to me. I’m overweight. It’s a national epidemic, not just a one person problem. But it is a fact in my case. I keep hearing from the doctors, you’d feel better if you just lost the weight. Well, who wouldn’t? But if you can hardly move, how can you lose the weight? I fell just over 2 years ago down a flight of stairs, landing on my knees and basically ruined them both. The surgery done was to repair them. I hear it from insurance, from the doctors, from disability, from friends…. You’d feel so much better if you lost the weight. They are even pushing me to have gastric bypass. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve left an office or hung up the phone to just flat out bawling my eyes out because the words were so hurtful. Why can’t anyone understand that I can’t work and that, yes it’s been two years and I’d like to feel better too, but it hurts. It hurts to walk, to sit, to stand, even lying down. I looked at my boyfriend and asked him, “Do you think I should go back to work?” He said no, they don’t know you. They don’t lay next to you at night and hear you moan in your sleep and watch your legs twitch as if they were separate from you body or how you struggle with every step you take unless you have taken A LOT of pain killers. Bless him. Thank you so much for putting this out there. I have hope. I do. I’ve found a wonderful doctor (who’s slightly overweight herself) and she doesn’t judge me for my appearance, yet she listens to me and cares about my well being. She’s looking for a doctor who will help me instead of judge me. I just hope I don’t ruin her for everyone else… 😉 My tears are now tears of hope instead of exasperation. Thank you!
You are so welcome Julie! You know you just never know what someone is going through and it’s no ones place to judge. And sometimes helpful words are hurtful because like in your case “just losing the weight” is not exactly an option for you if you can’t walk or exercise. I am so glad that you have found an understanding doctor. I’ve had doctors tell me it’s all in my head or I’m making myself have migraines. It’s very frustrating. Praying you find a solution soon.
I have another one for you. You look so good!!! This one is usually the hardest, as the “sufferer” knows the comment is meant as a positive, but when you feel like death warmed over all the time, this statement hurts!!! (My husband suffers from Gastroparesis, and this is the one comment that causes him the most trouble.)
Yes that is another great example. Looks don’t always determine how much pain a person is experiencing physically or mentally! Thanks for adding that one!
I have migraine headaches, people don’t understand that kind of pain either, I would love to have all the days I have spent in a dark room, emergency rooms, drs. office, back. You should hear all the things people have said to me.
I totally understand
I’ve seen you write about pain before, and I’m very sympathetic–no not sympathetic, empathetic–and hope you will find a way to end it. I’ve been in pain since 1996. From then until 2013 I dealt with it. I got used to it. Then in the beginning of 2013 I had further extensive surgery and I’ve been in hell since then with nerve pain etc. What drives me crazy is when my husband, to this day, says, “What’s wrong?” I say, “I’m having pain.” He says, “Where?”
The few people I manage to see say, “Wow, you look great!” which is a way, I think, of making themselves feel better.
I can relate. My husband will ask me what’s wrong even after 15 years of dealing with this with me. But I think it’s just his way of acknowledging that he knows I’m in pain.. hopefully.
My heart aches for you. No one should have to endure such pain. May I ask, are there certain things that people could say, that would be comforting?
I think that if it’s someone you are close to just saying.. I can see your in pain and I am so sorry. and maybe extending a hug if they want one. That’s really it. I think that trying to offer solutions just makes people more frustrated and instead all we want is just understanding. Not pity, not sorrow but just hey I’m here if you need a shoulder. Hope that makes sense.
Yes, that makes perfect sense Thanks for your reply.
Absolutely, thanks for taking the time to be a part of the conversation.
What a great post! I have narcolepsy and although I’m not in pain, I spend most of my days completely exhausted. Some days I don’t even have the energy to put one load of clothes in the washing machine. I don’t fall asleep randomly so I didn’t realize I had narcolepsy since my teens until I was diagnosed in my early 30s. It’s a bit frustrating when people say “I’m tired too!” I get being tired but you don’t get what I feel. I just learned recently that to experience the Excessive Daytime Sleepiness (an actual symptom of narcolepsy) a narcoleptic feels, a normal person would have to stay awake for 46-72 hours! I’m guessing you’re not THAT tired, lol! Thanks for reminding people that sometimes support is better than a solution. And that “sick” does not have a “look.” I’m just looking forward to the time when no one will say “I am sick,” as mentioned at Isaiah 33:24.
Thanks so much! And I totally understand. I’ve had people say the same thing like “I have a headache too” not that it’s a competition but there’s a big difference. Like today I have a headache but I can function. I was on a medication for migraines that made me almost so tired I couldn’t function but the fix for that was easy I just got off of it. I know you’re not in pain but having a condition that affects daily life is still an extreme challenge. Hugs!
Besides being in constant pain, and not wanting to hear certain remarks, I would appreciate some help sometimes. If it were my family or close friends that really want to do something to possibly ‘help’, it would be wonderful if someone truly wanted to help by maybe offering something to drink or eat. It would be really helpful if they would offer to vacuum or run an errand. I’m sure that I’m not wording this the best way possible, but I just know that when I’m starting to feel depressed from the pain, it seems to help to know that someone truly cares.
I totally understand what you are saying. I think it’s hard on all parties because I am sure that after a while our loved ones just get burnt out. But at the same time when my husband says “hey Honey go lay down and I’ll take care of everything” it just makes everything so much better. It’s like you said you know someone cares and it’s almost like they believe you in that moment. It’s hard because I honestly don’t know if any one that hasn’t been there can understand how much pain a person can be in so frequently. I know if gets tiring for all involved.The truth is most of us are attempting to function by whatever means and just a simple gesture like you suggested could really make a difference.
What a great post. Thank you for compiling this list of things I wish people wouldn’t say to me! I have lupus and the pain is horrible at times. I hate, hate, hate when people say to me, “Oh my joints hurt me too.” They have no clue. My body feels like an 80 year old. I can’t imagine what I will actually feel like in 30 years.
I can totally relate not to joint pain but when someone says oh my head hurts too. I know it’s not a competition but I want to say I pray for the day when my head just hurts. Don’t get me wrong I think that others are trying to empathize but I think that until you are in someone else’s shoes you really can’t compare pain. I think are loved ones try but sometimes silence is golden.